Dali Diary Entry #3, February 25th, 1949-----Menacing Menagerie

Discussion in 'Inspiring Novelists' started by PaintedDiary, May 4, 2008.

  1. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Dali Diary Entry #3, February 25th, 1949-----Menacing Menagerie

    Very rough draft

    Dear Diary,

    Today is my birthday, and I could not wait till nightfall to see her. My heart felt as if it could burst into rose-scented potpourri just thinking of her. She was a forbidden gem, unearthed from the turbulence of my dreams. As days faded into nights, my sheaf of diaries overflowed with languid murmurs of my hunger to see her.

    My disquieting love for her went beyond the realm of the universe, where reality breaks down and becomes distorted. I craved her vaporous caresses and slumbered in the quiescence of her nocuous lullabies. My soliloquies cried out to her, and I became obsessed with what Dali may have looked like.

    My mind painted her as the pinnacle of beauty, like fragrant camphire. I thought perhaps Dali had silken sepia-colored skin adorned with ancient voile lace, and hair of shiny coal-black tendrils. I imagined her lips painted like red wine, complimenting caliginous eyes, reflecting melancholy moonlight. Her hauntingly sweet voice resonated an aria of eeriness that lingered in my mind all day.

    All the while, silently seething in her mind was a menacing menagerie of malignant emotions. Her deathly darkness penetrated me, asphyxiated me, and swallowed me with each tumultuous tryst. I felt like her secret marionette hanging on obsequious laden strings. Each bone-chilling night, Dali invaded my privacy, and my body approved the invasion.

    I was captured by her manipulation, mesmerized by her lecherous blood-sucking seduction, and enmeshed by her sempiternal life of death. Perilously caged by her mental shackles, my sanity began to dissolve like yesterday’s butterscotch clouds. What haunted me was the question; why did she choose me?

    Sascha Sterling

    PD ;)

     
    Tags:
  2. SarahNSH

    SarahNSH
    New Member
    55
    1
    0
    Apr 11, 2008
    0
    Hello Kim!

    Yay, I'm very glad that you added another chapter and I didn't have to wait too long for the next installment! Here are some suggestions for the first paragraph:

    My heart felt as if it could burst into rose-scented potpourri just thinking of her. She waslike a forbidden gem faceted with felicity and fatal foist. As days faded into nights, my sheaf of diaries overflowed with languid murmurs of my [-](need)[/-] desire, craving, lust, hunger, yearning, thirst, achingto see her. {not sure of the word need}

    I craved her vaporous caresses[-], [/-]and slumbered in the quiescence of her nocuous lullabies.-
    I don't believe you need the comma after caresses to interrupt the sentence. With this noted as I was reading through your chapter I don't think that you need commas in other places as well.

    My mind painted her as the pinnacle of beauty, as beautiful as fragrant camphire.-

    Since that you use as 3 times in this sentence and beauty before beautiful I would sugggest maybe some rewording so that it doesn't sound redundant using those two same words. I don't know what camphire meant and looked it up in an online dictionary but I couldn't find the definition of it. What I would suggest to change your sentence to is this. It doesn't read as smoothly as I'd like but it does cut back on the two words:

    My mind painted her as the pinnacle of beauty, like a fragrant camphire.

    I felt like her secret marionette hanging on obsequious laden strings. -

    Oh, this above passage it great! I love the metaphor of her being like a marionette which is how I feel like she is a puppet of her passion for the vampire and her desire to have her and be visited by her. That is definitely a great description and fits perfectly to the story and what is happening with the main character.

    Anywho, I must be going to see my horse but I definitely loved how you ended the chapter as well, a great way to finish it and leave the reader with that question to ponder. It makes you want to read more and definitely grabs your interest and imagination of why did this vampire pick her and what will happen next. I enjoyed this chapter and as you know I'm a fan and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
     
  3. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Thank you sooooooo much Sarah for taking precious time to read and to comment! I loved our chat today and I absolutely love your commentary and I am so grateful for your in-depth review. I see exactly what you mean by all the suggestions and implemented them ASAP! lolol I also used my real birthday of February 25th. I tried to end with a question (among others), that perhaps stood out in my readers' minds at this point.

    I also felt Sascha was just hanging and allowed herself to be used like a marionette...thank you. I think you will enjoy what is coming up, and if not...I know you will help me make it better.....:girltender::girlwacko: lolol Next installment coming this week!

    Camphire is the henna plant. Lawsonia enermis or Lawsonia alba are two names used to classify it. Cypress flower is a common name for this plant. The flowers are white and grow in clusters. The leaves are somewhat like the olive tree's. The plant grows in Egypt, Syria, and northern India.It was valued for its fragrance as well as its many uses in body artwork and in some cultures, tattooing. Estimates of its size range from four to ten feet. Some three thousand year old mummies still retain the dye found on fingernails. A common practice in ancient days was dying the soles of the feet and palms.

    :sign_different: I love horses! We used to go riding when I was growing up on my cousin's horse farm in Lancaster, PA....and I used to ride when I lived in New Jersey. What kind of horse is it? Is it male or female? Wow!

    Thanks again Sarah! ;)

    Kim :hug::girltender:

    Thank you for your encouragement and support. I am sooooo happy I have you as a fan...:yay:
     
  4. SarahNSH

    SarahNSH
    New Member
    55
    1
    0
    Apr 11, 2008
    0
    Oh, no prob at all for the review, Kim! As you know I'm a fan and I'm very happy to give you suggestions and I'm very happy that you take them into consideration and use them too. Let alone just help out with it cause' I am a fan, as you know. That's very neat that you used your real birthday for the date! And, I definitely enjoyed the question at the end, left me thinking for sure and I want to find out the answer to that and keep on reading on.

    I'm happy to hear that the next installment will be next week too! I'm definitely looking forward to it. And, thank you for telling me what Camphire was, I was really wondering what it might be and looking it up in the dictionary was unsuccessful for the defintion. I'm a big Anthropology/Archaeology fan too so that was a cool tidbit about it being used for so many years and the fingernails and soles of the feet being died with it. I might just have to google it to find out more info because I've never heard of it before.

    Oh, that's so neat that you love horses and that you rode too! I've loved horses all of my life and have been riding since I was 7 years old. I went to go see my girl to ride her and I jumped her, which was too much fun, she loves jumping. She's a Saddlebred/Arab cross, which the name for her breed is a National Show Horse. (Oh la la la, right?) :Wink1: I've had her since she was 3 years old and now she's 10, I can't believe she's so old! I just remember when she was just a baby and now she's like an old woman... just like me, lol.

    Anywho, I can just go on and on when you get me on horses so I'll stop before I blab and blab. :blush: No prob at all for the review, it was my pleasure! I'm happy to encourage and support you and definitely am a fan, I'm very interested in this and I have no clue where you might go... which is exciting for me. Keep on writing away and I'll keep on reading!

    ~Sarah
     
  5. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Dear Sarah,

    Thank you sooooo much for reading, your enthusiasm, and commenting!!! I am a big Anthropology/Archeology also! We have lots in common and tis great! Next installment coming shortly!!

    Kim :)
     
  6. butchiesmom

    butchiesmom
    Depressed
    JPiC Premium VIP Member Premium VIP
    Ok, I'm jealous! I thought I was your #1 fan, lol. Please, tell me it isn't so! Tell me I haven't been replaced, Sis! lol just kidding, I think, lol.

    Seriously, Sis, I know this is a rough draft and that things will work out in the ensuing ones (I should know) so I'm not going to go into editing right now. I loved the above quote. It's simple, direct and yet says so freakin much! I love it!

    I've read Sarah's suggestions and thought she was right on the nose, so I decided to leave well enough alone, lol. It looks like you've already made the revisions. There's really nothing I can say, right now, other than keep going at it, Sis! The important thing is to get it written then edit!

    lubya Sis!
    Gail
     
  7. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    LOLOL Gail! You are crazay!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for taking time to read and post!

    I am happy with what I have so far actually, and I will re-read this entry soon, then make further edits if necessary. Yes, Sarah helped a great deal. I asked for help on this one as I got frustrated with some of the wording that my mind would not let go of! I did make the edits per her suggestions to the post. I am looking forward to school being out to really get to writing!

    Lubya too Sis!!! <3
     
  8. erikestabrook

    erikestabrook
    JPiC Premium VIP Member Premium VIP
    1,711
    14
    53
    Aug 6, 2006
    0
    this was very good Kimsy
     
  9. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Thank you so much Erik for taking time to read and to comment! I really appreciate your continued support dear poet and friend! Love ya!

    Kimsy :)
     
  10. MsJacquiiC

    MsJacquiiC
    Provocative
    Poetica Magnifique Staff Member
    6,015
    115
    248
    Jun 8, 2006
    Female
    Tennessee
    2
    Well I thought I was the #1 fan :LOL: yehehehehheeeeee! Wow - I think the more this story evolves KIM - the more I want to get to the action. And this 3rd diary entry is like a teaser of sorts... I do like the very descriptiveness of this passage - but sometimes the...............erg can't think of the term - but the words that have the same sounds...

    I think perhaps more than twice and that may have the potential to distract... I did especially liked the one that personified the passage title though: silently seething in her mind was a menacing menagerie of malignant emotions.

    Don't get me wrong though - the language is just beautiful to me - poetic even - but you have to remember that a shortstory audience may not be as accepting of such a poetic type regaling.

    Thanx again for the sharing MS KIM - this collection is shaping up very nicely and I think it will be stunning in its completion!

    Jacquii.
     
  11. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Revision #2...:)

    Dear Diary,

    Today is my birthday, and I could not wait till nightfall to see her. My heart felt as if it could burst into rose-scented potpourri just thinking of her. She was a forbidden gem, unearthed from the turbulence of my dreams. As days faded into nights, my sheaf of diaries overflowed with languid murmurs of my hunger to see her.

    My disquieting love for her went beyond the realm of the universe, where reality breaks down and becomes distorted. I craved her vaporous caresses and slumbered in the quiescence of her nocuous lullabies. My soliloquies cried out to her, and I became obsessed with what Dali may have looked like.

    My mind painted her as the pinnacle of beauty, like fragrant camphire. I thought perhaps Dali had silken sepia-colored skin adorned with ancient voile lace, and hair of shiny coal-black tendrils. I imagined her lips painted like red wine, complimenting caliginous eyes, reflecting melancholy moonlight. Her hauntingly sweet voice resonated an aria of eeriness that lingered in my mind all day.

    All the while, silently seething in her mind was a menacing menagerie of malignant emotions. Her deathly darkness penetrated me, asphyxiated me, and swallowed me with each tumultuous tryst. I felt like her secret marionette hanging on obsequious laden strings. Each bone-chilling night, Dali invaded my privacy, and my body approved the invasion.

    I was captured by her manipulation, mesmerized by her lecherous blood-sucking seduction, and enmeshed by her sempiternal life of death. Perilously caged by her mental shackles, my sanity began to dissolve like yesterday’s butterscotch clouds. What haunted me was the question; why did she choose me?

    Sascha Sterling

    :thankyou: Ms Jacquii for taking time to read and comment! I wanted to present a poetic angle to the story with the 3rd entry and you got it right away! :yay:

    I also wanted my audience to want more with this entry as it is a teaser..:p....and now yes...it is time for the story to unfold.

    I changed the sentence highlighted as per your suggestion and I see exactly what you mean. I tried experimenting with "Alliteration", and got carried away..lol. I now see that it can be a distraction.

    Thank you sooo much for the help and hope this reads much smoother.

    Kim :giftrose:
     
Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page

Loading...