Dali Diary Entry #1, February 17th, 1949-----Chocolate Dreams

Discussion in 'Inspiring Novelists' started by PaintedDiary, Apr 19, 2008.

  1. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    The "EDITED VERSION" is NOT this one and is posts below my thank yous.

    This is a very rough draft of the first Dali Diary Entry of a series of six consecutive diary entries by a fictional character named Sascha Sterling.

    Ms Jacquii...the LVS first diary entry...;)


    Dali Diary Entry #1, February 20th, 1949-----Chocolate Dreams


    Dear Diary,

    I’ve been seeing Dr. Sydney O’Hara for over two years now. A highly respected Psychologist, with expertise in relationships, and not so well known is her expertise in paranormal relationships. My problem is that I seem to go through men like boxes of Kleenex. At thirty-five years old, and having gone through ten failed relationships and attempting more was the prerequisite to seek out one of the most prestigious
    (and I might add, piquant) psychologists in the field.

    Some things I love about Dr. O’Hara are her unselfishness, caring, and gentleness. Never is she demeaning or condescending, and only focuses on her clients’ concerns. When I’m expressing my emergent predicaments, she never interjects with explanations of her own problems, interrupts me, compares her problems to mine, converts the conversation to become about her, or tells how her problems are greater or more severe than mine. It’s as if she places herself in her client’s shoes. She is truly genuine.

    Dr. O’Hara helps me to acknowledge and embrace my self-worth. I’m done with men for now and am on a path seeking new beginnings. However, I was not prepared for the path I’ve been forced to take, that’s forever changing my life day by day. {will be adding text here as soon as I sort things out}

    About two months ago, I began experiencing something unnatural. Vivid, life-like visions of me having sex with a mystical, yet faceless woman began intruding and (shhh) pleasingly taking over my dreams. This mist of a woman had the most alluring chocolate tone and a very addictive zaftig figure. I’ve never experienced nor considered in any stage of my life a relationship with a woman, however, these dreams were unexpectedly tantalizing to me.

    Dreams transcended into reality this past month, and I’m afraid to tell Dr. O’Hara the truth. This mysterious haze of a woman, my lover, has been visiting me every night, leaving behind unpleasant aromas like dust, naked bone, and arcane blood. She doesn’t have a face, doesn’t speak, and is virtually invisible; yet, I still can feel her gossamer like touch and the goosebump chill of her breath. Willingly I submit to her, as she makes my life so sweet as well as parallel Hell with her telepathic control. Even though I cannot see her, I desperately crave for a glimpse of just the umbra of her silhouette.

    No one would believe such a story, so I choose to keep this peril a secret from my friends, family, and even Dr. O’Hara. At times, I find myself holding back my lust for Dr. O’Hara also, as she favors my mystery lover in many ways. Interestingly, instinct tells me that Dr. O’Hara is suppressing her desire for me too. It’s the twinkling soft whisper in her eyes, and the way she gently grasps my hands when saying goodbye. I would never confess nor lead on in any way such private thoughts.

    I’m caught in a precarious web, hanging on between fantasy and reality. My only sanity is my diary. Perhaps I shall write a poem to my mystery lover. Whom would I address it to? I wonder if she has a name. Am I falling for her? How can I fall in love and with what or who?
    Until tomorrow, I’ll continue to dream a chocolate dream.

    Sascha Sterling






     
    Tags:
  2. MsJacquiiC

    MsJacquiiC
    Provocative
    Poetica Magnifique Staff Member
    6,015
    115
    248
    Jun 8, 2006
    Female
    Tennessee
    2
    Hey MS KIM :wow: -- I absolutely LOVE the premise of this! I can see how it's a "very rough draft" too though :p --- The idea though is so interesting - I think though the main element is missing though in this 1st diary entry - The vampirism aspect! It'd be awesome to see that right up front (but I think - Perhaps you're saving that to weave into the next entry???)

    Another - is the tense - Need to keep the tense sorted - Perhaps all the text can be past tense - since it is a reflection on what happens... Not quite sure about this idea though LOL

    Nice 1st draft - I like and will definitely be looking forward to the other entries - And especially interested in the next edits!

    Jacquii.
     
  3. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    :thankyou: Ms Jacquii for taking time to read and comment!!!!! :yay:

    :wow: Ms Jacquii...you not only read my mind, but gave advice on the points I struggled with the most! I did think to have that "Vampire" element in the first diary entry and now that you mentioned it...I will edit and include.

    Yes, I was saving it for the 2nd Diary entry...you know me well..as well as the name "Dali"...lol! Also...for some reason I got confused and struggled with "tense"...actually "tense" always is a problem of mine...(but don't tell...oh I just did...lol...:joke:).

    I am so glad you said "a reflection"...that puts everything into perspective for me and yes....should be in past tense!!
    I was struggling whether to have the series read as a "reflection" or have Sascha write in her diary daily, recording her feelings and events as she was going through the last 6 days.

    I very much want this series polished for publication, and I am most grateful for you taking time to read and for your advice. I will return with some editing!

    Kim ;) :hug:
     
  4. butchiesmom

    butchiesmom
    Depressed
    JPiC Premium VIP Member Premium VIP
    WOW! There's no other word to describe my reaction to this!!!!!! I know it's a rough draft and that there's more to come and that fleshing in will bring more detail, but WOW!!!!

    The voice, the character, everything is already quite vivid! I can almost reach out and touch this person!

    You knew I would be making suggestions...

    At thirty-five years old, having gone through ten failed relationships and attempting more was the prerequisite to seek out one of the most prestigious (and I might add, piquant) psychologists in the field.

    Even though I cannot see her,

    I am in awe!!!!
    lubya Sis!
    Gail
     
  5. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Dear Gail,

    :thankyou: for taking time to read and to comment! This series has been floating in my head for quite sometime and thought tis time to post. First, please don't ever think NOT to make suggestions at any point in my writing and with all of my writing that you read...that helps me grow and become a better writer. I have made the edits (and another that I caught) and thank you for that! I am glad you enjoyed this :blush: and I will be back to edit this entry.

    Love ya'

    Kim :):sign_thanks:
     
  6. erikestabrook

    erikestabrook
    JPiC Premium VIP Member Premium VIP
    1,711
    14
    53
    Aug 6, 2006
    0
    the Dali Diaries are superb and has so many possibilties,
    I like this first diary entry very much,
    its just the fact that the details are so rich
     
  7. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Dear Erik...:wow: I know you don't even read short stories...sooooo I am in awe of your review and most of all I am most grateful. Thank you so much for taking time to read and to comment. I have some edits to do on entry #1 and may post Dali Diary Entry #2 this evening. Love ya'!

    Kim :hug::curtsey::jump:
     
  8. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    This is the "EDITED VERSION".....

    Dali Diary Entry #1, February 17th, 1949-----Chocolate Dreams


    Dear Diary,

    I had been seeing Dr. Sydney O’Hara for the past two years. She traveled the world, and was a highly respected Psychologist, with expertise in relationships. Not so well known was her expertise in paranormal relationships, and perhaps was one of the reasons I sought after her.

    My problem was that I seemed to go through men like boxes of Kleenex. I've gone through ten failed relationships at 35 years old and I'm attempting more, this track record was a prerequisite to seek out one of the most prestigious (I might add that she was quite piquant as well) Psychologists in the field, Dr. O’Hara.

    Some things I loved about Dr. O’Hara were her unselfishness, caring, and gentleness. Never was she demeaning or condescending, and only focused on her clients’ concerns. When I was expressing my emergent predicaments, she never interjected with explanations of her own problems, interrupted me, compared her problems to mine, converted the conversation to become about her, or told how her problems are greater or more severe than mine. It was as if she placed herself in her client’s shoes. She was truly genuine.

    Dr. O’Hara helped me to acknowledge and embrace my self-worth. With her gentle and extremely effective techniques, I was able to see me, my true self, for the first time. She taught me how to love in a healthy manner, in terms of relationships, and showed me how I should get to know myself. That proved to be vital in my awareness of how I perceived myself, and how I was perceived by others.

    However, I was not prepared for the path I was forced to take, that forever changed my life. About two months ago, I began experiencing something unnatural. Vivid, life-like visions of me having sex with a mystical, yet faceless woman began intruding and (shhh) pleasingly taking over my dreams. This mist of a woman had the most alluring chocolate tone and a very addictive zaftig figure. I’ve never experienced, nor considered, in any stage of my life, a relationship with a woman, however, these dreams were unexpectedly tantalizing to me.

    Dreams transcended into reality this past month, and I was afraid to tell Dr. O’Hara the truth. This mysterious haze of a woman, my lover, had been visiting me every night, leaving behind aromas of dust, naked bone, and arcane blood. She didn’t have a face, didn’t speak, and was virtually invisible; yet, I could still feel her gossamer like touch and the goose bump chill of her breath. Willingly I submitted to her, as she made my life so sweet as well as parallel Hell with her telepathic control. Even though I could not see her, I desperately craved for a glimpse of just the umbra of her silhouette.

    No one would believe such a story, so I choose to keep the peril a secret from my friends, family, and even Dr. O’Hara. At times, simply in Dr. O’Hara’s presence, I found myself holding back my nebulous lust for her. Interestingly, instinct told me that Dr. O’Hara was suppressing her desire for me too. It was the twinkling soft whisper in her eyes, and the way she gently grasped my hands when saying goodbye. Her melting African accent was quite mesmerizing to me. I never confessed, nor lead on in any way, such private thoughts.

    I was caught in a precarious web, hanging on between fantasy and reality. My only sanity was and still is my diary. I thought that perhaps I should write a poem to my mystery lover. Whom would I address it to? I wondered if she had a name. Was I falling for her? How could I fall in love and with what or who?
    Until next diary entry, I continued to dream a chocolate dream.

    Sascha Sterling

    PD ;)
     
  9. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    One HUGE mistake I corrected was that in the title...I had 1849, and if Sascha named her lover after Salvador Dali...then the date could NOT be 1849...as Dali was not even born until 1904...so, I changed the date to 1949....

    Kim :)
     
  10. JolieH

    JolieH
    JPiC Premium VIP Member Premium VIP
    498
    1
    18
    Jul 3, 2007
    CA
    0
    So this woman fantasizes about having sexual relationships with another woman, and she's derranged, schizophrenic to some degree. I think you have a good start. Poe comes to mind as I read this. I don’t know what twists you have planned, but you certainly have a lot of options. I know you like to surprise your readers. About the Vampire aspect, if this is a vampire tale, maybe a spot or two of blood on the sheets, her hands, face, or some bedroom object, would be enough to establish some background early on in the story.
     
  11. SarahNSH

    SarahNSH
    New Member
    55
    1
    0
    Apr 11, 2008
    0
    Hello!

    I enjoyed this short story of yours and I think this is an interesting concept as well. One of my favorite parts at the beginning which was some nice humour to the story and made me want to keep on reading was this part here: "My problem was that I seemed to go through men like boxes of Kleenex. I liked how this added a nice bit of humour right in the beginning.

    I would maybe reword this part: At thirty-five years old, and having gone through ten failed relationships and attempting more, was the prerequisite to seek out one of the most prestigious (I might add that she was quite piquant as well) Psychologists in the field, as Dr. O’Hara.

    Here is my suggestion for this sentence: I've gone through ten failed relationships at 35 years old and I'm attempting more, this track record was a prerequisite to seek out one of the most prestigious (I might add that she was quite piquant as well) Psychologists in the field, Dr. O’Hara. Of course, this is just a suggestion and completely up to you as well.

    I really do like how you ended the story as well, and the concept of it. I am intrigued by her dreams and what is happening with her, who is the faceless woman, and what will happen with her and the Doctor? You have some thought-provoking questions to leave the reader with to wonder and ponder about and this is definitely something you need with a story and you got. I'm wondering what will happen next and I'm interested in the main character. I think that you did a great job and I look forward to more dairy entries!
     
  12. stardust

    stardust
    Angelic
    JPiC Premium VIP Member Premium VIP
    814
    7
    33
    Aug 27, 2006
    0
    Hello Ms. Kim!!
    You have invited me to read your story in the Inspirational Novelists. So, here I am...
    I have read the first part of your story, and the outline is well laid and written. You are a promising writer, and I admire you so much. Please, keep on writing and never stop doing it, because you are doing it so well!! I got surprised about the title and all the intrigues over the plot...See what is coming next...
    Thank you, Ms. Kim, for sharing your talents with us!!
    Cordially,
    Starry.:giftrose::giftrose:
     
  13. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Dear Sarah,

    :thankyou: for your in depth review! Ahhhhh! I am glad you like the humorous element, I threw in! I was so tickled to see that! I am also glad questions were raised and Ohhhhh did I need help with that sentence...lololol.....I am going to edit right now! Thank you for taking precious time to review and comment Sarah.....be sure to check out Dali Diary Entry #2...Crimson Bath....lol....take care.

    PD :giftrose:<3
     
  14. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Thank you Ms Stardust for taking time to read and to comment! I am trying to be more descriptive in my writing and push the edge a bit. Thank you sooooo much! I value your review highly and tis why I invited you to read. Take Care.

    Kim :giftrose:
     
  15. butchiesmom

    butchiesmom
    Depressed
    JPiC Premium VIP Member Premium VIP
    I like how you are developing this story...a little at a time. You've made quite a contribution to the chapter, fattening it up a bit. I'm looking forward to see how much more you add to it.

    I really saw nothing which won't be taken care of in the next editing session.

    Love it, Sis!
    Gail
     
  16. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Thanks Gail...added just a tad, yes...lol....next Diary Entry is coming...thank you for taking time to read my revision and comment. Means allot to me.

    Kim :hug:
     
  17. nomadicrhymer

    nomadicrhymer
    Cool
    JPiC Premium VIP Member Premium VIP
    1,976
    10
    53
    Nov 14, 2006
    Claremont, CA
    0
    PD...wonderful tale, as usual...I look forward to some gory additions! (grin) This is going to turn out to be one of your best, because of the build up in this Entry#1 and the fact that we have absolutely no clue what turns it will take...do you? lol!

    Some suggestions on things I noticed: (to implement or ignore, of course!! :)

    1. attempting more, this track This should be two sentences...so period after "more". It might even flow better with "I'm attempting another."

    2. prerequisite to seek out I think that "to seeking out" would sound better.

    3. condescending, and only focused on "condescending, but rather very
    focused on...

    4. client’s shoes. After having pluralized clients' above, you need to do the same here.

    5. Just a personal thing for me...it seems like it would be a little smoother changing this:
    vital in my awareness of how I perceived myself, to this:
    vital to my perception of myself,

    6.This sentence seems a bit unwieldy to me...maybe too many commas?However, I was not prepared for the path I was forced to take, that forever changed my life.
    Try this: I was very unprepared for the path I was forced to take that subsequently changed my life.

    7. craved for a glimpse Here the "for" is not necessary. The sentence should be "craved a glimpse"

    8.This sounds just a bit strange to me...showed me how I should get to know either "showed me that I should get to know" or "showed me how to get to know"

    Looking forward to Entry #2...Woohoo!

    Nomad
     
  18. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    Dear Ms Nomad,

    Thank you for taking time to review and comment! Woohoo! Yes I invite you to read Dali Diary Entry #2... http://jpicforum.info/inspiring-nov...y-2-february-21st-1949-crimson-bath-6045.html

    :thankyou: also for the outstanding suggestions that I will use and edit my 1st entry asap! Yes, your suggestions will make the piece read much much much smoother! I want these Diary Entries to be super polished, and now the first one will be! ;) I am most grateful!

    PD <3
     
  19. PaintedDiary

    PaintedDiary
    Artistic
    JPiC Mentor Premium VIP
    4,652
    11
    173
    Jun 23, 2006
    Female
    Channeling Rainbow
    0
    4th Edit..thanks Ms Nomad and Sarah!


    Dali Diary Entry #1, February 17th, 1949-----Chocolate Dreams



    Dear Diary,

    I had been seeing Dr. Sydney O’Hara for the past two years. She was a world traveler, a highly respected psychologist, and an expert in relationships. Lesser known was her expertise in paranormal relationships, and perhaps that was precisely the reason I sought her out.

    My problem was that I seemed to go through men like boxes of Kleenex. I've gone through ten failed relationships at 35 years old and I'm attempting another. This track record was a prerequisite to seeking out one of the most prestigious psychologists in the field, Dr. O’Hara, who, I might add, was quite captivating as well.

    Some things I loved about Dr. O’Hara were her unselfishness, caring, and gentleness. Never was she demeaning or condescending, but rather very focused on her clients’ concerns. When I was expressing my emergent predicaments, she never interjected with explanations of her own problems, interrupted me, compared her problems to mine, converted the conversation to become about her, or told how her problems are greater or more severe than mine. It was as if she placed herself in her clients’ shoes completely. She was truly genuine.

    Dr. O’Hara helped me to acknowledge and embrace my self-worth. With her gentle and extremely effective techniques, I was able to see me, my true self, for the first time. She taught me how to love in a healthy manner, in terms of relationships, and how to get to know myself better. That proved to be vital to my perception of myself, and how I was perceived by others.

    However, I was very unprepared for the path I was forced to take that subsequently changed my life. About two months ago, I began experiencing something very unnatural. Vivid, life-like visions of me having sex with a mystical, yet faceless woman began intruding and "shhhhh!" enslaving me within my dreams. I imagined this mist of a woman, as having the most alluring chocolate toned skin and a very addictive zaftig figure. I’ve never experienced, nor considered, in any stage of my life, a relationship with a woman; however, these forbidden dreams were tantalizing to me.

    Dreams transcended into reality this past month, and I was afraid to tell Dr. O’Hara the truth. This mysterious haze of a woman, my lover, had been visiting me every night, leaving behind aromas of dust, naked bone, and arcane blood. She didn’t have a face, didn’t speak, and was virtually invisible; yet, I could still feel her gossamer like touch and the goose bump chill of her breath. Willingly I submitted to her, as she made my life suddenly sweet but parallel Hell with her telepathic control. Even though I could not see her, I desperately craved a glimpse of just the magnetic umbra of her silhouette.

    No one would believe such a story, so I choose to keep the perilous secret from my friends, family, and even from the trusted Dr. O’Hara. At times, simply basking in Dr. O’Hara’s presence, I found myself holding back my nebulous, but ever-increasing lust for her. Interestingly enough, my instinct told me that Dr. O’Hara was suppressing her desire for me as well. It was the twinkling soft whisper in her eyes, and the way she gently grasped my hands when saying goodbye. Her melting African accent was quite mesmerizing to me. I never confessed, nor let on in any way, that such private thoughts were swirling around inside my head.

    I was caught in a precarious web, hanging on between fantasy and reality. My only sanity was and still is my diary. It came to me, eventually, that perhaps I should write a poem to my mystery lover. However, whom would I address it to? I wondered if she had a name. Was I falling for her? How could I fall in love and with what or whom? Until next diary entry, I continued to dream a melting chocolate dream.

    Sascha Sterling

    PD ;)
     
  20. Sealiah

    Sealiah
    Cheerful
    Poetic Dancer
    181
    7
    18
    Aug 28, 2006
    Female
    Oahu, Hawai'i
    0
    Wow PD. Just wow. I love this. It's exquisite, and beautiful. You always did have a way with imagery.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page

Loading...